Matthew 5:15, Psalm 8:3-8
I alluded to a story in my last blog post in which I told you I had carried around a lie about who I am for my entire adult life. I’m betting there are more, but our Dad is so good at helping to see what we need to see when we need to see it!
This whole thing started when some peers told me that they thought that I “think I’m pretty”. Think Mean Girls when Regina tries to embarrass Cady by telling her she is really pretty. Cady appropriately responds with thank you, and Regina says, “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?”. Like that.
The truth is, I did think I was pretty. I dressed just like all the other theater kids, in appropriate 90s grunge. I have beautiful curly hair that I have always worn long and I rocked my Real Raisin lipstick. I have always stood out a bit because of my mane. I learned to tame those curls in 6th grade and loved it ever since.
After those comments, though, I began to think about myself a little bit differently. I started second guessing my clothes and concerning myself with the thoughts of others. Gradually, I began to wear all black. I was now self conscious about my appearance and didn’t want to be “too much” for anyone.
When my husband and I started attending the Vineyard church in Kirkwood, I began to notice a few ladies, and their style freedom had an impact on me. I didn’t yet know why, but I loved how they expressed themselves through clothes and makeup.
Annie, a tall and striking redhead with long curly hair NEVER wears black. To her, it doesn’t go with anything. Instead, she dresses herself in all manners of jewel tones and has the duochrome eyeshadows to match. Whenever I see her, I admire her beauty and her fearlessness.
Anna, also gorgeous, could be rocking any hair color from deep burgundy to flaming red, and also has curly hair, but she wears hers at shoulder length or above. Anna is a goddess, if you know what I mean. She exudes confident femininity in a mother earth sort of way, with long flowing skirts and lots of color. She also loves makeup, too, and has not met an eyeshadow she hasn’t rocked. Anna is comfortable and confident in a way that I was not.
Aimee, also tall, also has long curly red hair (guys, I seriously didn’t even recognize this pattern until I started typing out their descriptions! Ha!) and has the skin of a china doll. Aimee is SPARKLY. She loves pink and blushes, peaches and all things that shimmer and sparkle. She is a total princess and her style reflects it. I would look at Aimee and simply be enchanted by her ability to wear such beautiful things without apparent second thought.
It seems as if none of these women had the same hang up I had about being “too pretty” or “too much”. They let who they are inside shine through their appearance. I noticed them, adored them, and made zero connection to myself except for the thought, “I could never wear that.”
Fast forward to August 2021. I’m about to turn 43, and I’m at a quiet prayer meeting at our new church, Faith Community in House Springs. I’m sitting there with God and I ask Him to tell me all the things He loves about me because it’s almost my birthday. Oh man, it was awesome.
Here’s what He said:
“Come as often as you need for reassurance. I am your source.” He shows me a magic unicorn cake and says it’s for my birthday. It's many layered and each layer is a different color of the rainbow. He goes on to say, “Much of your childhood was stolen from you. I’m restoring that joy. Think pink, sparkly stickers, and bubble gum joy. You also get to keep your maturity.”
Then He showed me a series of pictures and phrases: sparkling firecrackers, a bright light to shine, a roaring lion, glittering silver and diamonds.
He said, “ I love your protective heart. It is like my own. Others I made quiet, but I did not make you that way. You aren’t missing the mark when you love yourself and make time for yourself, or do things you enjoy. You are called to love others from a place of FULLNESS.”
Then, guys, here’s the kicker. He told me I was living like and dressing like a geode! You know geodes. They look like rocks on the outside, and not shiny or pretty ones at that. They are pretty dull, but when you open it, it is filled with shining and sparkling crystals.
Welp. That’s all it took! He showed me all of the connections that I told you about earlier and freed me to look on the outside how I felt on the inside. Here’s the funny thing; the first time I put on a pair of dark blue leggings and a pink top to wear to my Silks class, I felt self conscious. I was sitting on the mat and wondering if everyone was looking at me. It was truly ridiculous because those pants were only a few shades off from black! I just laughed at those feelings and reminded myself of the truth God told me. And, I shared those thoughts with my classmates. :)
Since then, Lulu dyed the underside of my hair RAINBOW. I purchased leggings that were multicolored and tops to match. I am a magical unicorn rainbow princess and loving every minute of it!
If you didn’t read my post entitled “Who are you?”, go read that now. It will help you to identify some of the lies you may believe about yourself and show you how to change your thoughts. I am SO digging this journey of growing in maturity, and I love having you alongside me.
Matthew 5:15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained;
What is man that You take thought of him,
And the son of man that You care for him?
Yet You have made him a little lower than God,
And You crown him with glory and majesty!